Traingles - Part 2

1.       triangle  - noun – a group of three; triad (dictionary.com)

2.       triangling – verb – to form a triangle (my own created word)

3.        

This picture has been circulating on social media. I read a caption that said: Learning to be a player early punctuated by a smiley face emoticon. Some think it’s cute; not me.

A triangle has three sides. For the purpose of this blog, a triangle is three people involved in a relationship. Now, I don’t think that the children in this photo are in any type of “relationship”, but I do think that this picture speaks volumes on how we view relationships.  The actions are indicative of what these children may do when they are old enough to date and/or marry. We are teaching children early that triangling is ok.

The little boy is situated between two girls. One of the girls has her arm possessively wrapped around him. The message is clear: He’s mine! Her back is to the other little girl, so she doesn’t even know that he is in a sense “playing her” because he’s not really all hers. The second little girl is content to hold his hand--to just be in the picture somewhere. 

We teach boys how play between girls, and we support them. We lie and cover for them all the time. I know a woman who was dating a man. He took her to meet his father. Her guy said he and his father shared a house. One day, her guy dropped his checkbook in her car. When she looked at it, it had a man and woman’s name on it. She couldn’t believe that he was married, so she did a drive-by and found out that not only was he married, his wife was also pregnant. Why did the father lie for his son? The father claimed that he could see how much his son cared for this woman.

The second little girl is a side chick in training. I’ve said it a thousand times; sometimes the side chick gets put on blast unfairly. We teach them how to settle for second place and then we get mad when they do! I know women who tell their daughters and granddaughters that unless he’s married, no man is off limits. It doesn’t matter if he’s engaged or living with a woman, unless he’s said, I do, he’s fair game. This really makes me scratch my head because if he can’t be in a committed relationship before he ties the knot, how is he expected to do so once he gets married? How does a marriage license change behavior? I thought practice makes better. 

And then there are those who think that to have a piece of man is better than to have no man at all. I’ve heard women say that there’s always one going out as another one is coming in, so it stands to reason that at some point, a woman is either going to be the one being cheated on or the one being cheated with. Is monogamy even realistic?

What’s problematic about the implications in this picture is that it encourages possessive and deceptive behaviors—neither of which are healthy. Triangling always goes bad because someone gets hurt—mentally, emotionally and/or physically. Sometimes triangles are deadly. I am still disturbed by a news story that happened a couple of years ago in Georgia.  A man was having an affair with a woman. When the mistress found out that he was taking his wife on a trip, the mistress showed up at the house and kidnapped the wife at gun point. The mistress killed the wife and then turned the gun on herself.

A female who thinks a male belongs to her will stop at nothing to keep anyone from getting what she has because she has claimed ownership. (I know the same things applies to males, but we’re talking about women right now) A woman thinks that the paper, the baby, the fact that they live together, great sex or empty promises means that he belongs to her. Confronting another woman doesn’t change his behavior. 

To be honest, I have don’t have answers to any of the questions I’ve raised. I’m trying to understand why we claim to hate triangling yet we encourage men and women to form these triads. Are love triangles par for the course? Do you think we encourage these types of relationships? What did you hear growing up that supported the idea of shared relationships? Share your thoughts in the comment section.

The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for the Cheating Man

Zondra Hughes piece, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for the Other Woman published on the Huffington Post on June 30, is creating quite a buzz on social media. Every other day it’s in my news feed. In the article, a married friend of Hughes shares what a man in a relationship expects from the woman on the side when he steps outside of his relationship.  

According to the “reformed” cheater in the article, a woman who willingly enters into what he describes as a situationship, should abide by the rules of an unspoken agreement that allows her to share another woman’s man—without the other woman’s knowledge of course. Should she decide to break any of the rules, that half of a man (or a third or a fourth depending on how many side chicks he has) can quickly become the invisible man. So, to avoid the possibility of not having even a piece of a man, the article offers 10 rules for side chicks who want to remain relevant.

I wonder what would happen if side chicks had rules, too? And since it takes two to cheat, and a contract is an abiding agreement between at least two parties, why doesn’t a cheating mean have to hold up his end of the deal?

 A cheating man has more to lose than a side chick, so maybe he should consider following 10 Rules for the Cheating Man. They are based largely in part on the rules for the side piece. So, cheating men, listen up!

1.       I am the other woman, and you are not the only man. You can’t have your cake, your ice cream, eat it all and expect me to just lick the leftovers from the bowl. Really? A girl’s gotta eat, too.

2.       I agree that we should focus on the stolen moments that we spend together.  I am the other woman. I know that. So why do you concern yourself with me when we’re not together? Just because you suddenly have free time, doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly available. I have a life outside of you. That’s what you wanted right? So, don’t be mad.

3.       Do not mention your wife or main chick to me. We are in a sitationship as you call it.  So, please do not talk to me about what she does or doesn’t do, what I do better, how she nags blah, blah, blah. My time with you is limited, so let’s just focus on the time we have together, OK?

4.       Nothing is etched in stone. You want me to be flexible, and I am. Know that because our plans change frequently due to the nature of our situation, I have a plan B and a Plan C when Plan A changes. Oftentimes those alternative plans don’t include you. Don’t blow up my phone because you have another stolen moment. I have other things to do, and I’ll get with you when I can.

5.       I understand the importance of maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each others' company. It is vital to the success of our situationship which is why the positive vibe has to go both ways. Please stop complaining to me about your relationship. You’re blowing my positive vibe. Please see point no. 3 for further clarification.

6.       Part-timers don’t get full time benefits. We are as Stevie Wonder sings, part-time lovers; don’t ask me to do anything that is expected of a wife or  girlfriend. No, I don’t cook; I don’t do laundry; I don’t loan money. And no, I’m not your therapist.

7.       Nothing lasts forever; when it’s over, it’s over.  I know what I got myself into, and I reserve the right to get out. Nobody runs a race for second place. Things happen and we find ourselves in the number two spot. When I get tired of living in the shadow of someone else, I’m moving on. So, let’s enjoy us while we can.

8.       No glove; no love.  I need to protect myself so, it’s imperative that we use condoms. Since you’ve admitted that you may have jump-offs all over the place, I don’t want to have to make any unscheduled trips to see my gyne.

9.       Be prepared for the unexpected. Condoms break, birth control fails, biological clocks tick.  If I am stupid enough to have unprotected sex with you, you need to be okay with the outcome. If I happen to get pregnant, you don’t have any say-so.  My decision to abort or carry a pregnancy to term is totally up to me.

10.   There are no guarantees. You said keep our feelings out of this. So, don’t play head games with me. Stop trying to make me think that I can be anything or than a side piece. Stop with the sad stories and/or the fairy tales of happily ever after. If and when your situation changes and I’m still around, let’s just see what happens then. But I also know that if you do it with me, you’ll do it to me.

Lastly, when two people spend quality time together, stolen or otherwise, emotional involvement is unavoidable. That is the nature of a relationship even if it happens to be a situationship. So, if you’re not willing to take that risk with me, please find yourself a prostitute.