Saturday, August 2, 2014

The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for the Cheating Man

Zondra Hughes piece, The Sidepiece Agreement: 10 Rules for the Other Woman published on the Huffington Post on June 30, is creating quite a buzz on social media. Every other day it’s in my news feed. In the article, a married friend of Hughes shares what a man in a relationship expects from the woman on the side when he steps outside of his relationship.  

According to the “reformed” cheater in the article, a woman who willingly enters into what he describes as a situationship, should abide by the rules of an unspoken agreement that allows her to share another woman’s man—without the other woman’s knowledge of course. Should she decide to break any of the rules, that half of a man (or a third or a fourth depending on how many side chicks he has) can quickly become the invisible man. So, to avoid the possibility of not having even a piece of a man, the article offers 10 rules for side chicks who want to remain relevant.

I wonder what would happen if side chicks had rules, too? And since it takes two to cheat, and a contract is an abiding agreement between at least two parties, why doesn’t a cheating mean have to hold up his end of the deal?

 A cheating man has more to lose than a side chick, so maybe he should consider following 10 Rules for the Cheating Man. They are based largely in part on the rules for the side piece. So, cheating men, listen up!

1.       I am the other woman, and you are not the only man. You can’t have your cake, your ice cream, eat it all and expect me to just lick the leftovers from the bowl. Really? A girl’s gotta eat, too.

2.       I agree that we should focus on the stolen moments that we spend together.  I am the other woman. I know that. So why do you concern yourself with me when we’re not together? Just because you suddenly have free time, doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly available. I have a life outside of you. That’s what you wanted right? So, don’t be mad.

3.       Do not mention your wife or main chick to me. We are in a sitationship as you call it.  So, please do not talk to me about what she does or doesn’t do, what I do better, how she nags blah, blah, blah. My time with you is limited, so let’s just focus on the time we have together, OK?

4.       Nothing is etched in stone. You want me to be flexible, and I am. Know that because our plans change frequently due to the nature of our situation, I have a plan B and a Plan C when Plan A changes. Oftentimes those alternative plans don’t include you. Don’t blow up my phone because you have another stolen moment. I have other things to do, and I’ll get with you when I can.

5.       I understand the importance of maintaining a positive vibe while we are in each others' company. It is vital to the success of our situationship which is why the positive vibe has to go both ways. Please stop complaining to me about your relationship. You’re blowing my positive vibe. Please see point no. 3 for further clarification.

6.       Part-timers don’t get full time benefits. We are as Stevie Wonder sings, part-time lovers; don’t ask me to do anything that is expected of a wife or  girlfriend. No, I don’t cook; I don’t do laundry; I don’t loan money. And no, I’m not your therapist.

7.       Nothing lasts forever; when it’s over, it’s over.  I know what I got myself into, and I reserve the right to get out. Nobody runs a race for second place. Things happen and we find ourselves in the number two spot. When I get tired of living in the shadow of someone else, I’m moving on. So, let’s enjoy us while we can.

8.       No glove; no love.  I need to protect myself so, it’s imperative that we use condoms. Since you’ve admitted that you may have jump-offs all over the place, I don’t want to have to make any unscheduled trips to see my gyne.

9.       Be prepared for the unexpected. Condoms break, birth control fails, biological clocks tick.  If I am stupid enough to have unprotected sex with you, you need to be okay with the outcome. If I happen to get pregnant, you don’t have any say-so.  My decision to abort or carry a pregnancy to term is totally up to me.

10.   There are no guarantees. You said keep our feelings out of this. So, don’t play head games with me. Stop trying to make me think that I can be anything or than a side piece. Stop with the sad stories and/or the fairy tales of happily ever after. If and when your situation changes and I’m still around, let’s just see what happens then. But I also know that if you do it with me, you’ll do it to me.

Lastly, when two people spend quality time together, stolen or otherwise, emotional involvement is unavoidable. That is the nature of a relationship even if it happens to be a situationship. So, if you’re not willing to take that risk with me, please find yourself a prostitute.


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    [Sign off]