Monday, September 5, 2016

I Should Kill Myself Today

Photo courtesy of Pinterest
 I should kill myself today. Just take myself out the game. Do away with the pain and misery. I mean, what’s the point of living? I woke up to a story about adults calling a child ugly because her beauty is too big for the box they put it in. Hell let the world tell it, Black women are uglier than sin! Angry, mean, and ungrateful, too. 

We are bitches, hoes, gold diggers and Baby Mamas served up as Internet fodder for media consumption for the world to devour. People say if that ain't you, they ain't talking about you. But perception becomes realty right? Which means that we are a monolithic mess! Not allowed to be me--individually because we are always WE. 

Everybody wants somebody to love and appreciate them. But since it ain't no love for Black women and girls in the world why not give myself wings and take flight from the ugliness of this life? I think I should kill myself today. 

I'm single for real. Ain't got no man. No side dude, no playmate, No nothing. Did I mention that I ain't got no any kids? None. Nada. No man. No kids. I have no place. I mean I really should kill myself for taking up space. Tell me somebody, by society's standards, what's my worth?

I'm a teacher in a public school no less.  If a child does well, the parents did something right. If he fails, I did something wrong. Failure of students is my fault as teacher competency (or lack of) is the automatic default. No matter that I'm on the bottom rung of the education decision- making ladder, I should have some magic up my sleeve or a pull a miracle out of hat. But my mere mortal status doesn't allow me to do that. I should kill myself today.

But wait! Good news. We are highly educated women according to the stats, but oh, it's still not being translated into us getting paid. We make 64 cent to every dollar, the lowest wage for all women of color. We have a slew of health problems, too, so let’s just do away with the formalities of acting like we need to exist. I should kill myself today. 

You know what's the ugliest thing of all? People who look like me co signing on this foolishness. Ain't that some ish? A series of YouTube videos telling me how undesirable I am. I mean damn! I googled to see if such videos existed for other ethnicities. And guess what? There are none to see.
Treated like trash, some of us don’t know what to do with the anger and the pain, so we lash out at each other. Instead of coming together we clash, and then crash into anybody on our path. Yea, today is a good day to kill myself. 

But wait! Can we be in this world, but not of it? We have always moved through this world differently than the rest—marching to the beat of our own drum. And that never stopped us in from doing our best. We have to get back to the days of old. Bring the light back into our darkened souls. We need to look no further than those around us for inspiration and motivation.

My mother has lived longer than eight decades on this earth and rises every day to celebrate her birth. Her legacy lives through her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. As a branch of her family tree, I don’t have time to be blue because I know that I still have work to do.  I can live another day.

When I can go back and forth on Gates Girl Rock with six of the most intelligent, thoughtful funny, and fiercely loyal women I have the pleasure of sharing blood with, I’m reminded that I am blessed to experience such bliss. I can live another day. 

When young people remind me of my worth through listening ears or a comment on my blog that shows that I too have a legacy because a commenter "admires my strength and transparency because not everyone has that," I think I can live another day.

When I go interact daily with an amazing group of women who keep me grounded and remind me if the magic we do, I can live another day. I have a multitude of friends who are an essential part of my life. I can trace true friendship back to elementary school. I'd be a fool not to live another day. 

 I am a member of a group who has faced unspeakable horror and terrible hardship, who get up every day to do it all over again; I owe it to them to keep pressing forward. It's not easy being a Black woman in this world, but I've heard that anything worth having is worth fighting for.

So, today I fight for me, and for the other Black girls and women who are not feeling the love and are contemplating killing themselves. No, I won't kill myself today. I’ll look at all I've been through, and all that I'll have and know that my riches yield the highest stock.

I look at Black girls who Rock, and I swaddled myself in Black Girl Magic. I’ll remember to breathe and seize the moment because I know that THIS is a gift from above. And everything God makes comes from Love. So, I got this. And if you're reading this, you got this. WE got this. And today, I know I'll live another day. 

What makes life livable for you? What gets you through the bad days? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.


  1. Hey girl. Just so you know, I read your blog pieces and though I don't always comment, I appreciate your words and the relevance they hold. Yes, it is an amazing feat that in spite of the fish we have endured, we get up (at least the majority of us) get up and keep it moving. In fact, I was at Oakland's annual pan African family fest on Sunday and was reminded how effing beautiful, talented and awesome black women are...we indeed rock and are full of magic, so thank you for the reminder. I was born this way and love being black! Rochelle

  2. Thank you. I write what's important to me and hope that it touches someone else.

  3. Jennifer Brown BanksSeptember 10, 2016 at 4:44 AM

    Powerful piece! "Write on."