Stupid Ish Men Say

I’m over stupid ish that men say to muck up my head. A conversation with a guy I know took me back into the hard drive of my mind to a number of stupid comments that men have made to me over the years. I met this guy a few years ago. We had gone out a couple of times in the past, but that was it.

Flash forward. He reaches out to me and we reconnect. During the course of a conversation (in which he asked me to listen to what he had to say without speaking ), he told me, “You’re heavier than when I first met you. I guess that means there’s more of you to love.” Really? Was that supposed to be a compliment that he was willing to love me even if I was a fat girl? When he was done talking, I didn't give him the answer he was looking for, so he abruptly ended the conversation. And I was left with the “more of you to love” comment just dangling over my head. I knew I had gained weight. I didn’t need him to tell me. I sent him a text message, and he texted back that he was sorry and would call me and we could talk about it. I saw no need to talk; he said what he meant to say. And that’s my problem with some men. 

Over the years, men have said some things to me that made me scratch my head and wonder—why they were even talking to me? We like what we like, and if something is a deal breaker, then all bets are off. We can’t look at a person and see what we want to see instead of who they actually are. We can’t go into a relationship expecting them to change. But men seem to do it all the time. And they have absolutely no shame in sharing their vision of who a woman should be in their mind.

There are men who like their women bigger and men who like their women smaller. Some men like long hair, others short. Make-up, no make-up—the list goes on.  I want men to stop pursing women who don’t meet their qualifications. I was dating a guy who liked his women petite; I’m not. We had been dating for awhile when he said that he usually dated petite women to which I replied that I was used to dating big guys, so I guess we were both outside of our comfort zones. Another guy told me I needed to gain about 20 pounds. And the best one of all: a guy stalked me until I agreed to go out with him, only for him to tell me that I wasn’t that cute; I just had a dominating physical presence. I sat across from him in the restaurant thinking that he looked like a weasel. But I kept that to myself. First date; last date.

Then there is the hair—or lack of it. I’ve been wearing my hair natural for years. When I was wearing a fro, this guy told me I’d be perfect if I did something to my hair. When I went real short, I had two men  tell how much better I’d look with hair and when was I going to grow it back. Mind you that when I met both of them, my hair was super short and I wasn’t wearing a hat. I told one of them that if hadn’t been looking so hard at my booty, he might have noticed that I didn’t have much hair.  

Here’s the thing; I have preferences, too. I like well-built men. I like bald, short hair or locks. I don’t like overweight guys or braids. But I dated a guy who was overweight and one who had braids. They had other qualities that outweighed the things that I didn’t like. I never said, “Hey dude, you know you’d be really hot if you dropped 50 pounds.” Or “You’d be so much better looking if you stopped wearing braids.” "You know I really don't like the way your ears stick out from your head. Every guy who had something to say about me, I could have said something about him; I didn’t.

Self esteem fluctuates. And a man’s comments can send a woman’s self esteem plummeting if she’s already struggling. On a good day, I can flick the comments away. On a bad day, they sting. Sometimes they hurt like hell!  I’m learning to be perfect in my imperfections. I’m trying to feel good in my skin more days than not. And the truth is I like my short hair. I am a curvy woman. And if I’m not what a man wants, he needs to keep it moving. No more mucking up my head with the stupid ish they say.

I’m Better Than A Text Message

There were two, not one but two men vying for my attention. We spoke on the phone, and they sent cute “thinking of you text messages.” Initially, I smiled and responded. Then I’d see a message pop up on my phone, and that warm and fuzzy feeling turned cold. Because matter how many times we talked or texted, what I could not get between the two of them was any face time. None. Nada. Zero.

 These were men who marveled at the fact that I’m still single. These are men who are constantly telling me how wonderful I am, and yet they could never find time for even a cup of coffee or tea. My plate is full, and I get that many of us are often times juggling more than we feel like we can handle. But I also know this: We make time for the people and the thing that we want to make time for.

Looking back over my dating life, I remember men who were more interested in me than I was in them, and no matter what, they always found a way to reach out to me. When my level of interest didn’t match theirs, I always let them know. I never liked leading anyone on because I never liked being anyone’s default. These men taught me that a man who wants to spend time with you will find a way.

So, even though the two men vying for my attention claimed they wanted to get to know better and explore the possibilities of where we might go, the reality was I was not a priority. So, I had to let both of them know that I was moving on. I believe that men and women can and should be friends, so they’ve moved out of the romantic realm and into the friendship zone.

This is the generation of text messaging relationships. I have a friend who is younger, and she says that texting back and forth is one of the ways that she and her husband communicate. They fight and make-up sometimes via text messaging. That’s not for me.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m old school. I like good old-fashioned two-way communication.  Texting is fine later in the relationship, but it’s not the best way to begin a relationship. Texting leaves too much to miscommunicate.

I’m more mature now, and I’m going to date on my terms. It’s not that I’m inflexible. I’m open to something new and exciting. I’m open to someone who values me. And a man who values my time knows that I am better than a text message.