Letting Go

I sucked in my breath and closed my eyes as I tried to ignore him whispering soft

and sweet in my ear. Then I felt his lips brush against my neck lightly; chill

bumps popping up on my skin. Ignoring him wasn’t working because the nearness of him cocooned me. As he pulled me in close, I told myself, I shouldn't be doing this. I inhaled and closed my eyes thinking, Why can’t I say no to him? Why is it so hard? But I know my questions are more rhetorical than real. The truth is that I’ve been under his spell for so long that his seduction is part of my existence. I live it; I breathe it.

 I don’t even remember when our ill-fated love affair started. It’s like I looked up into his beautiful face and I’ve been captivated ever since. And while I know this illicit love affair isn't good for me, I don’t know how to pull away and end it. I can't imagine my life without him. If I leave him, What will I do?

I know our relationship is unhealthy because I allow him to cloud  my better judgment. He's controlling.  Possessive. Jealous. He wants to rule me; sometimes I fight; most times I surrender. I know I need to leave him, but I don't know if I can. I don’t know if I even want to. The one thing I can say about him is that he is a faithful lover. He shows up for me. Always. My lover's name: Fear