I sucked in my breath and closed my eyes as I tried
to ignore him whispering soft
and sweet in my ear. Then I felt his lips brush
against my neck lightly; chill
bumps popping up on my skin. Ignoring him wasn’t
working because the nearness of him cocooned me. As he pulled me in close, I
told myself, I shouldn't be doing this.
I inhaled and closed my eyes thinking, Why
can’t I say no to him? Why is it so hard? But I know my questions are more
rhetorical than real. The truth is that I’ve been under his spell for so long that
his seduction is part of my existence. I live it; I breathe it.
I don’t even
remember when our ill-fated love affair started. It’s like I looked up into his
beautiful face and I’ve been captivated ever since. And while I know this
illicit love affair isn't good for me, I don’t know how to pull away and end it.
I can't imagine my life without him. If I
leave him, What will I do?
I know our relationship is unhealthy because I allow
him to cloud my better judgment. He's controlling. Possessive. Jealous. He wants to rule me;
sometimes I fight; most times I surrender. I know I need to leave him, but I
don't know if I can. I don’t know if I even want to. The one thing I can say
about him is that he is a faithful lover. He shows up for me. Always. My
lover's name: Fear
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