THOT, THOT, THOT, THOT.
The word buzzes around in my mind like a mosquito. And my
attempts to swat it away fail; the buzz grows louder and louder. But
no matter how much I try, I can’t get away from the blood thirsty judgmental name
callers. They just keep biting, drawing
blood and inflicting pain.
Since the beginning of time we’ve divided women into two
categories: Good & Bad, and once one becomes the latter there is no
returning to the former. THOTs are the bad girls of our time. The terminology
is new, but the story is old—the Madonna and the Whore. And what’s especially
depressing, is that too often women are pitted against each other making some of us our own worst oppressors.
As a middle school teacher of students in grades 5 through 8,
I am familiar with the term THOT (that hoe over there) because it is frequently
used by both male and female students. Any girl rumored to date, have sex with,
or give oral sex, to too many boys or men is labeled a THOT. Some students say that
a THOT can be a girl or a boy, but the majority of my students think that THOTs
are female. There is no male equivalent among my students. While I’m disheartened
about the cavalier attitude around the word THOT, I’m not mad at my students because
they only mimic adult behavior.
Students were preparing to view 12 Years a Slave so that
they could learn something about the institution of slavery and its impact on American
history and culture. The students were listening to slave narratives read by
celebrities, and one of the women in the narrative talked about being married
and having 10 children. One of the girls blurted out, “She a THOT.” So, when
the narrative ended we had a conversation about the meaning of THOT and rather
or not the woman in the narrative could actually be one. The student was not
convinced because she didn’t understand why any women would have 10 children.
My students understand racism to some degree, but they are
clueless when it comes to sexism. We
were working on a series of lessons about the value of girls and women in
society. The students in each class
brainstormed a list of words that we use to describe females. Words like
female, woman, girl, lady made the list as well as derogatory terms such as
b!@#$, h@#, s#$%, and the infamous THOT. It made every list in every class, and
I teach 12 classes. I was bothered that it made every list, but I was especially troubled that my 5th
graders listed THOT as a word that we use to refer to females. What are we
teaching our children?
Later in the unit, in an effort to build empathy, I showed
my students an excerpt from Freaky Friday and assigned them the
task of writing from the point of view of the opposite sex. Some of the stories
were hilarious, but some of the stories written by 8th grade girls
made me pause. When the girls wrote from the experience of boys, they took on
the characteristics of the boys, and their stories talked of hooking up with
THOTs, going to the strip club and making it rain. After talking with the
students about the assignment, I shared with them my dislike of the term THOT.
We had an interesting discussion, and while they probably won’t stop use the
word, they will think about it. I’ve been a teacher long enough to know that my
rewards come later when my students have had some life experiences. When I run
into students later in life, they constantly remind of something that they
learned from my class.
I don’t like the use of derogatory terms to refer to anyone
because I think they promote prejudice and misunderstanding, but THOT gets even
deep under my skin. It’s such a nasty word. When I hear THOT, I hear thing; I
hear subhuman. I hear justification to disrespect and disregard females for
their actions, but an acceptance of the same behavior by males. My experiences
both in the classroom and on social media force me to continue examining the
impact of language on our psyche and how it affects our actions. Thoughts are
things.
When Maya Angelo passed away, I read a FB post that said,
“All of you THOTs posting Maya Angelou quotes, I’m going to need for you to sit
down.” I replied that Maya Angelou would probably be okay with
so-called THOTs quoting her work seeing as that she had worked as both a
prostitute and a pimp. A man replied that, that would make Maya Angelou a THOT.
Our posts went back and forth, and I inferred from his comments that Maya
Angelou’s stint as a sex worker did not diminish her greatness in his eyesight, but that she
was the exception to the rule. Songs and social media are full of references to
THOTs. And the annoying buzz in my ear is that THOTs really are things.
As I read the words of Maya Angelou circulating all over
social media, the fact that she used to be a prostitute and pimp made me hold her
in higher regard because she didn’t allow her past to define, defer nor
determine her future. In an interview
following the release of Gather Together in My Name in which
she discusses the her work in the sex industry, Maya Angelou said she wrote the
book because parents never admit their wrong doing to their children and this
book was a way of giving children an opportunity to move beyond their mistakes.
“You may encounter defeat, but you must never be defeated.” She went on to say
that sometimes that defeat is necessary to know the person you can become.
Just when I thought the buzzing was lessening, I saw the
story of the pastor who was speaking to his congregation about cheating men,
and when he talked about the other woman, he said, these “hoes ain’t loyal. ”I
listened to the entire sermon as not to be sucked into a sensationalized news
story. I know how things can be taken out of context. But this was not the
case. He made some other derogatory statements as well. But worse than the
pastor’s words, was the positive response that his comment received from the
congregation. People were standing up, raising their hands, and clapping. And most
of the congregation was African-American women being bamboozled and hoodwinked
by the words of a charismatic preacher who was once again blaming women for the
downfall of men. Though it was clear that he meant that the other woman was not
loyal, I was wondering why “these hoes ain’t loyal” didn’t apply to the
cheating men who were obviously lying to their wives?
I have a male friend,
and we had a heated disagreement about good girls and bad girls. He had a
friend who was in a serious relationship, but the friend had a side chick
because she did things sexually that he didn’t want his girlfriend to do. I
disagreed with the friend, but my friend said he understood because there are
things that a man doesn’t want his woman or wife to do. I was livid and called
out his hyprocrasy! And my friend had the audacity to ask why I was so pissed
off. So, I asked him how does a man explain his logic to his wife or girlfriend
when he gets caught, and more importantly, if there is something so nasty and
disgusting that the man won’t do it with his girl or his wife, what does that say about him as
a man?
I get it. It’s the way we’ve been socialized, and change
takes time, but I can’t continue to accept how easily we throw girls and women
away because of their perceived sexual indiscretions and yet we encourage the
same behavior in our boys and young men. THOT easily slips off the tongue with
little if, any regard for how one comes to be a THOT. Does it matter if the girl
or woman was sexually abused? How many partners does it take to make a THOT?
And if the guy knows that she’s a THOT, what does that make him? And once one
becomes a THOT, is one always a THOT? Is there no way back to respectability?
I’ve been teaching more than 20 years and I have yet to hear a girl tell me she
wants to grow up and be a whore. So, how did we get here? And why are we so quick
to classify females as THOTs? Bad girls can be good, and good girls can be bad.
So, where are the shades of grey that fill in the colors of our humanity?
Defining females as THOTs not only feeds the rampant sexism
but also misogyny. It’s hard for us to own up to sexism, so we’re really not
accepting of the fact that in most parts of the word, women are neither liked
nor respected. It is a discomforting, but universal truth. And as difficult as
it is, the world is changing slowly.
When we returned from seeing 12 Years a Slave, the young lady who
called the woman a THOT, said to me, “Now I understand why the woman ain’t no
THOT.” My 8th graders and I talked about THOTs in a way that my
students never considered. Do I expect that one conversation will change the
world? No, but it’s a small step in the right direction because my students are
the future.
After the multiple references to THOTs on Face book, I read
this statement: “Real men don’t talk about their sexual conquests or call a
woman out of her name. My father once told me, ‘No matter if a woman is a
sinner or a saint when you lay with her you become her equal. So, not matter
what you feel about them, it’s also a reflection of yourself.’” Anonymous.
Little things are big. So, I’ll take progress in small
doses. A student with a better understanding of how the world works, a man who
doesn’t place the blame of sex on the woman, and a man who teaches his son how
to be empathetic because he too lives in the world of women--little things that lead to big changes because we have to start somewhere. When I read,
Charles M. Blow’s column, “Yes, All Men,”
I wanted to jump up and swat all the THOT callers with a rolled up copy of his
column--after I read it aloud to them first though. Charles Blow said that during the drive back to college a couple of weeks ago, his son
said, “I believe it’s important for everyone to be a feminist.” His son
believed that the word was not fair to women, and we all—women and men—need to
combat oppression. Blow was proud of his son’s position, and went on to add
that “fighting female objectification and discrimination and violence against
women isn’t simply the sound of women; it must all be the pursuit of men. Only
when mean learn to recognize misogyny will we be able to rid the world of it.”
Words have power; thoughts are things that manifest into
action. So, let’s stop the dehumanization of girls and women. THOTs are things.
