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I should kill myself today. Just take myself
out the game. Do away with the pain and misery. I mean, what’s the point of
living? I woke up to a story about adults calling a child ugly because her
beauty is too big for the box they put it in. Hell let the world tell it, Black
women are uglier than sin! Angry, mean, and ungrateful, too.
We are bitches, hoes, gold
diggers and Baby Mamas served up as Internet fodder for media consumption for
the world to devour. People say if that ain't you, they ain't talking about
you. But perception becomes realty right? Which means that we are a monolithic mess!
Not allowed to be me--individually because we are always WE.
Everybody wants somebody
to love and appreciate them. But since it ain't no love for Black women and girls in the world why not give myself wings
and take flight from the ugliness of this life? I think I should kill myself
today.
I'm single for real. Ain't
got no man. No side dude, no playmate, No nothing. Did I mention that I ain't
got no any kids? None. Nada. No man. No kids. I have no place. I mean I really should
kill myself for taking up space. Tell me somebody, by society's standards, what's my
worth?
I'm a teacher in a public
school no less. If a child does well, the parents did something right. If
he fails, I did something wrong. Failure of students is my fault as teacher
competency (or lack of) is the automatic default. No matter that I'm on the
bottom rung of the education decision- making ladder, I should have some magic
up my sleeve or a pull a miracle out of hat. But my mere mortal status doesn't
allow me to do that. I should kill myself today.
But wait! Good news. We
are highly educated women according to the stats, but oh, it's still not being
translated into us getting paid. We make 64 cent to every dollar, the lowest
wage for all women of color. We have a slew of health problems, too, so let’s
just do away with the formalities of acting like we need to exist. I should
kill myself today.
You know what's the ugliest thing of all? People who look like me
co signing on this foolishness. Ain't that some ish? A series of YouTube videos
telling me how undesirable I am. I mean damn! I googled to see if such videos
existed for other ethnicities. And guess what? There are none to see.
Treated like trash, some
of us don’t know what to do with the anger and the pain, so we lash out at each
other. Instead of coming together we clash, and then crash into anybody on our
path. Yea, today is a good day to kill myself.
But
wait! Can we be in this world, but not of it? We have always moved through this
world differently than the rest—marching to the beat of our own drum. And that
never stopped us in from doing our best. We have to get back to the days of
old. Bring the light back into our darkened souls. We need to look no further
than those around us for inspiration and motivation.
My mother has lived longer
than eight decades on this earth and rises every day to celebrate her birth.
Her legacy lives through her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.
As a branch of her family tree, I don’t have time to be blue because I know
that I still have work to do. I can live another day.
When I can go back and
forth on Gates Girl Rock with six of the most intelligent, thoughtful funny,
and fiercely loyal women I have the pleasure of sharing blood with, I’m
reminded that I am blessed to experience such bliss. I can live another day.
When young people remind
me of my worth through listening ears or a comment on my blog that shows that I
too have a legacy because a commenter "admires my strength and
transparency because not everyone has that," I think I can live another
day.
When I go interact daily
with an amazing group of women who keep me grounded and remind me if the magic
we do, I can live another day. I have a multitude of friends who are an
essential part of my life. I can trace true friendship back to elementary
school. I'd be a fool not to live another day.
I am a member of a group who has faced unspeakable horror
and terrible hardship, who get up every day to do it all over again; I owe it
to them to keep pressing forward. It's not easy being a Black woman in this world, but I've
heard that anything worth having is worth fighting for.
So, today I fight for me,
and for the other Black girls and
women who are not feeling the love and are contemplating killing themselves.
No, I won't kill myself today. I’ll look at all I've been through, and all that
I'll have and know that my riches yield the highest stock.
I look at Black girls who
Rock, and I swaddled myself in Black Girl Magic. I’ll remember to breathe and seize
the moment because I know that THIS is a gift from above. And everything God
makes comes from Love. So, I got this. And if you're reading this, you got
this. WE got this. And today, I know I'll live another day.
What makes life livable for you? What gets you through the bad days? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
